A Happy Traveler

I am a happy person. I see the cup half full. I see the positive side of things. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. But I haven't always been this way.

Our family of five which included a new baby boy was living in the hills of Virginia in 1976. I gave birth to Matthew in April. So many things worked together to contribute to me plummeting emotionally. I was feeling isolated and lonely being so far away from home and being criticized due to cultural differences. And then in July, my father died. For me, this was the end of hope that he would someday become a Christian. So a strong feeling of sadness overcame me and I joined the 350 million people who are diagnosed with depression. I was a new bus driver at the time and every day when I got off the bus at the end of the school day, I would jump into my car, travel a few miles to the country store and buy a newspaper and a candy bar. No wonder I gained weight! But the candy couldn't fill the emptiness or heal the pain in my heart.

I began counseling and continued for many years. And I was prescribed anti-depressants which I took for almost 25 years! I was recently reading a journal I wrote back in 2003 and I couldn't believe the change God has worked in me over the years. I can't pinpoint a specific time when I had a miraculous healing but I can tell you various things I did do and how the Lord helped me to heal. It was a process.

Counseling: I saw various counselors, some were professional and some were good spiritual mentors. And I followed their suggestions to help me heal.

Prayer: I sought the Lord for healing and for understanding.  Often.. In church. In private. It was a process; a journey.

Journal: I wrote my innermost feelings, fears, and failures. I wrote about my dreams, desires and demons. I asked God hard questions and admitted hard things that I was thinking.

Books: I read good books. Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands was a helpful book in the beginning stages of my depression. Later I did a Bible Study of Beth Moore's, Breaking Free. Books by Brennan Manning like Abba's Child and Ragamuffin Gospel were so helpful in teaching me how Abba Father sees me and loves me. I also enjoyed the insights of Florence Littauer's Personality Plus, How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself. Of course, the Bible is always a great book to read for inspiration as it is God's love letter to us.

It was in 2003 that I became familiar with Healing Prayer Ministry at my church. We were no longer in the ministry and had moved to my hometown and were attending my home church. HPM was a ministry where a seeker would meet with a layperson (and a prayer partner). Through a series of sessions, the Lord would lead in how the seeker should pray through various hurtful incidents, feeling the pain, asking forgiveness, and real breakthroughs of healing would occur. I took part in this but during the first series my emotions were so suppressed with the anti-depressants that I couldn't even cry! No prayer ever goes without benefit but I didn't receive the complete freedom I was seeking.

A few years passed and I decided to try HPM again. In the meantime I had been gaining ground and was not as depressed. And I felt the Lord say I should go off my anti-depressants. So I did. (Please don't think I am saying all people should do this.) And I soon realized that I had emotions! I could cry again. This was a gift to be able to release pent up emotion and pain. And this time when I went through HPM, I could feel the emotions and cry out to God and I could sense He heard me. And I felt a freedom in my spirit. Isaiah 43:2, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

I think a lot of my journey has been two fold: learning who God is and learning who I am. In 2003 I wrote in my journal: “How does God look at me? Would I be surprised if I knew?” Back then I would have been surprised to know that God wasn't looking on me with judgment but with love. He wasn't far away but near me, ready to hear my pleas.  I know now (and feel emotionally) that. . .” my identity is that of a child of God and a joint heir with Jesus Christ. Our spiritual inheritance is one of forgiveness, an intimate relationship with Jesus, and hope of spending all eternity enjoying fellowship with God. It is this truth that gives us unconditional love, intimacy, security and hope. And it is not based on our identity, but on what God has already accomplished at the cross.” http://thelife.com/challenges/see-yourself-as-god-sees-you

I Peter 1:3-4, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you.”

I am still on a journey. I am a seeker! I want more of God. And I have given Him more of me! It is a process. A walk. And it is a joy to walk this road as a happy traveler!